An article written for the Woking NCT newsletter back in 2010 where it appeared under the title "Listen to your Language." Thanks to all who helped me to write it.
This isn’t an article about how we speak to our children. This is an article about the words in our heads when we think about our children, the labels we dress them in and how we talk about them to other parents; how important it is to keep the good thoughts uppermost. Of course, of course we all love our children, but the words we use don’t always reflect this. A bit of consideration about our language might help us be calmer mums who have more fun, and, hey, some of this calmness might even rub off on the children!
First up, the language we use ourselves. I should start with a pet hate of mine: “kids.” I never call my children “kids” because I find it a derogatory term. It refers to baby goats, cloven-hoofed ones, little ones that eat everything whether it’s food or not and trash the joint at the same time. How can I like “kids” enough to deal with tantrums, cook dinners, get them all ready for school, do all the things I like least but that have to be done calmly anyway? Doing something “for my children” is a much more positive phrase, I feel. “Children” reminds me that they are humans too young to fend for themselves, in need of mummy’s guidance, guidance offered calmly, willingly and lovingly.
Well, maybe I feel more strongly about the word “kids” than most do but what about this one: I saw a car recently with one of those yellow diamond-shaped “Baby On Board” signs – only this one said “Brat On Board.” Now, it takes a lot to shock me but I’m afraid that did. Did someone think that was funny? Why? I only hope the child was too young to read – how would you have felt if your parents had a sign on their car like that? It is just an insult to the child and a constant reminder to the parents of the bad days. Maybe it was bought in a moment of dark parent humour when the child wasn’t there, or maybe it was bought on the day the child smeared hand cream all over the French window, but it is my belief that, for the parents, seeing that label on their car every day is a self-fulfilling prophecy that just reinforces their poor opinion of their child.
There also seems to be an increasing market for T-shirts with messages like “100% Trouble” and “Little Monster.” One friend reports an increase in difficult behaviour from her two year old on days when he is wearing his “100% Trouble” T-shirt. Could this be because she unconsciously projects that view of him when she reads the T-shirt? It is widely known that little children have a strong awareness of their parents’ moods so these negative T-shirt messages may quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies.
The words we speak out loud are even more significant. Obviously, letting off steam is normal and healthy but arriving at school pick up to collapse on a friend’s shoulder and say, “It’s hell today!” isn’t going to help. You’ve still got another few hours with your children before bedtime and approaching it with the idea that it’s going to be “hell” is guaranteed to make it so.
While this is not an article about speaking to children, it is important to remember that they are not deaf. They can hear us complaining to our friends about them. A neighbour of mine used to annoy me infinitely by pressing me when I had nodded to the children and said to her, “Tell you later, eh?” It’s important to support other mums - that great sisterhood of understanding and recent experience is invaluable - but once we have toddlers who can understand what we say, it’s important not to let them think mummy doesn’t believe in them.
Some of these mum-to-mum conversations make us dismiss the problem without taking action. “It’s just the Terrible Twos,” we say to our fellow-mothers as we look down at our screaming child. We don’t see our son’s frustration at not being able to express himself, don’t see our daughter’s over-fatigue now she’s able to run and jump. If we hadn’t dismissed the event with a trite phrase, we might be able to find some patience and regain control of the situation.
Sometimes we forget that what we say to another mum is our opinion but not necessarily hers. When this happens, the other mum may feel a lack of confidence in her own parenting or feel brought down by the other person’s negativity.
I must confess that I hate going into Woking town centre with all three of my children. On the whole they behave beautifully, play quietly with Lego in coffee shops, choose delightful books in the library and generally do me proud. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to stop people taking a quick glance at my family, seeing three children under five and blurting out, “you’ve got your hands full!” This makes me feel that it’s wrong of me to enjoy my children, makes me feel that I should be worrying about the next bout of drudgery instead of singing The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round in (unintentional) four part harmony.
Nearly all mothers have their share of battles but nearly all mothers deal with them extremely well. Don’t dwell on those battles. Let’s celebrate the successes and share the joy! Instead of “you’ve got your hands full!” and “you’re a glutton for punishment!” why not say, “you’re doing a great job!” or “what lovely children!” The mothers you say it to will dance away, in love with their children and far better equipped to deal with fish finger rejection at teatime.
I’m not saying we can’t let off steam sometimes, hiss expletives into cupboards and cry down the phone to our sisters. I am saying that we are all great mums and if we consider our language more, we’ll feel like great mums too!
Charlotte Buchanan
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