Thursday 12 July 2012

Libellous language and the power of positive parenting


An article written for the Woking NCT newsletter back in 2010 where it appeared under the title "Listen to your Language." Thanks to all who helped me to write it.

This isn’t an article about how we speak to our children. This is an article about the words in our heads when we think about our children, the labels we dress them in and how we talk about them to other parents; how important it is to keep the good thoughts uppermost.  Of course, of course we all love our children, but the words we use don’t always reflect this.  A bit of consideration about our language might help us be calmer mums who have more fun, and, hey, some of this calmness might even rub off on the children!

First up, the language we use ourselves. I should start with a pet hate of mine: “kids.” I never call my children “kids” because I find it a derogatory term. It refers to baby goats, cloven-hoofed ones, little ones that eat everything whether it’s food or not and trash the joint at the same time. How can I like “kids” enough to deal with tantrums, cook dinners, get them all ready for school, do all the things I like least but that have to be done calmly anyway? Doing something “for my children” is a much more positive phrase, I feel. “Children” reminds me that they are humans too young to fend for themselves, in need of mummy’s guidance, guidance offered calmly, willingly and lovingly.

Well, maybe I feel more strongly about the word “kids” than most do but what about this one: I saw a car recently with one of those yellow diamond-shaped “Baby On Board” signs – only this one said “Brat On Board.” Now, it takes a lot to shock me but I’m afraid that did. Did someone think that was funny? Why? I only hope the child was too young to read – how would you have felt if your parents had a sign on their car like that?  It is just an insult to the child and a constant reminder to the parents of the bad days. Maybe it was bought in a moment of dark parent humour when the child wasn’t there, or maybe it was bought on the day the child smeared hand cream all over the French window, but it is my belief that, for the parents, seeing that label on their car every day is a self-fulfilling prophecy that just reinforces their poor opinion of their child.

There also seems to be an increasing market for T-shirts with messages like “100% Trouble” and “Little Monster.” One friend reports an increase in difficult behaviour from her two year old on days when he is wearing his “100% Trouble” T-shirt. Could this be because she unconsciously projects that view of him when she reads the T-shirt? It is widely known that little children have a strong awareness of their parents’ moods so these negative T-shirt messages may quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies.

The words we speak out loud are even more significant. Obviously, letting off steam is normal and healthy but arriving at school pick up to collapse on a friend’s shoulder and say, “It’s hell today!” isn’t going to help. You’ve still got another few hours with your children before bedtime and approaching it with the idea that it’s going to be “hell” is guaranteed to make it so.

While this is not an article about speaking to children, it is important to remember that they are not deaf. They can hear us complaining to our friends about them. A neighbour of mine used to annoy me infinitely by pressing me when I had nodded to the children and said to her, “Tell you later, eh?” It’s important to support other mums - that great sisterhood of understanding and recent experience is invaluable - but once we have toddlers who can understand what we say, it’s important not to let them think mummy doesn’t believe in them.

Some of these mum-to-mum conversations make us dismiss the problem without taking action. “It’s just the Terrible Twos,” we say to our fellow-mothers as we look down at our screaming child. We don’t see our son’s frustration at not being able to express himself, don’t see our daughter’s over-fatigue now she’s able to run and jump. If we hadn’t dismissed the event with a trite phrase, we might be able to find some patience and regain control of the situation.
Sometimes we forget that what we say to another mum is our opinion but not necessarily hers. When this happens, the other mum may feel a lack of confidence in her own parenting or feel brought down by the other person’s negativity.
I must confess that I hate going into Woking town centre with all three of my children. On the whole they behave beautifully, play quietly with Lego in coffee shops, choose delightful books in the library and generally do me proud. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to stop people taking a quick glance at my family, seeing three children under five and blurting out, “you’ve got your hands full!” This makes me feel that it’s wrong of me to enjoy my children, makes me feel that I should be worrying about the next bout of drudgery instead of singing The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round in (unintentional) four part harmony.

Nearly all mothers have their share of battles but nearly all mothers deal with them extremely well. Don’t dwell on those battles.  Let’s celebrate the successes and share the joy!  Instead of “you’ve got your hands full!” and “you’re a glutton for punishment!” why not say, “you’re doing a great job!” or “what lovely children!” The mothers you say it to will dance away, in love with their children and far better equipped to deal with fish finger rejection at teatime.
I’m not saying we can’t let off steam sometimes, hiss expletives into cupboards and cry down the phone to our sisters. I am saying that we are all great mums and if we consider our language more, we’ll feel like great mums too!

Charlotte Buchanan

Saturday 23 June 2012

Mixed feelings about Breastfeeding Awareness Week



Breastfeeding Awareness Week will soon be upon us once more and, as usual, I won't be participating. I believe that breastfeeding is normal and therefore doesn't need an awareness week - we don't have a "birth awareness week" so why do we need one for breastfeeding? Giving it its own "week" only serves to highlight breastfeeding as something unusual that only affects the lives of the few. While the UK breastfeeding statistics may currently bear that out (!), we all want them to improve. Portraying breastfeeding as an exception to the norm is only going to help keep it that way. 

NBAW can also be a platform for stunts like nurse-ins, which is when as many mums as possible all breastfeed their babies in the same place at the same time. If that's not weird, I don't know what is! But breastfeeding isn't weird and, to my mind, one of the aims of NBAW should be to minimise any weird image attached to breastfeeding, not add to it. Other events are just a bit pointless. I noticed a scavenger hunt is being organised this year to "raise awareness of breastfeeding."  I can only assume this raises awareness of breastfeeding in the same way that changing your Facebook status to a fruit raises awareness of breast cancer. 

I also question whether the good that NBAW achieves justifies the organising of it. NBAW has several audiences but I don't think they particularly benefit. Mothers-to-be are the obvious one. It is widely observed that the majority of pregnant women can't think beyond labour and so their thoughts about breastfeeding are probably going to be either "I'll give it a try!" or "yuck!" and no more detailed than that. I know my own thoughts weren't! So they're probably not going to come up to an enthusiastic health visitor/lactation consultant stationed in her local shopping centre to get more information like they would if it pain relief advice were being offered. Conclusion: NBAW has little to offer mothers-to-be.

Mothers are another obvious audience. They, too, are unlikely to benefit. If they are already breastfeeding, unless theyr'e struggling, they won't need any breastfeeding information. If they are struggling, they'd be better off going to a  breastfeeding group that meets regularly than getting help on a one-off basis. A regular group gives better support as mums will receive continuity of care and have their concerns followed up. With the best will in the world, a random health visitor in a public place cannot do that and, at best, can only offer details of the aforementioned groups.

Other mothers may well have given breastfeeding a go but given up before they wanted to, for all kinds of reasons. The last thing these mothers want is people telling them how great breastfeeding is. They know that. They've just been to hell and back trying to get it established because "it's so great" but ultimately (and often wisely) prioritised enjoying motherhood over dragging themselves up the steepest learning curve of their lives. So NBAW isn't going to help them either. 

Then there are mothers who have never had any intention of breastfeeding and really, unless you manage to convert them while the babies are young enough that lactation can be re-established, they have little to gain. 

Lastly, there is everyone else! These are the people that I think could potentially benefit from NBAW!  Grandmothers of breastfed babies could be told in a non-emotional, polite way why giving bottles to the babies isn't actually helping  in the long term. Likewise dads who were feeling a bit left out  and wanted some reassurance that they were still needed.  Shop owners, say, could get information about the importance of demand feeding and how to sensitively offer a mother a chair if she needed to feed her baby in the shop, maybe coming away with  "breastfeeding welcome here" signs to put up on their doors. 

The problem is, I don't think that happens very often. Not only are these people not NBAW's target but they are also unlikely to get involved. My partner wouldn't go up to someone at a stall to talk about his relationship with his breastfed baby: he'd either talk to a fellow dad or to me or - more likely - just keep schtum. If you're not a breastfeeding mother or close to one, you're unlikely to be trying to implement a positive breastfeeding policy in your business. If you are a working breastfeeding mother, you don't need the information because you already have it (see above).  The grandmothers, though, they might get something out of this. Picture the three-generations shopping party - you've all seen them! The mother might say to the grandmother, "ooh, look, Mum, there are the breastfeeding ladies. You know what I was saying about not using dummies? Bet they've got a leaflet - it'll probably explain better than I did. Come on..." and, the relationship between mothers and daughters being as it is, off they all troop and the grandmother may well come away enlightened. 

In conclusion, I believe Breastfeeding Awareness Week will, at best, help a few people; at worst, damage the image of breastfeeding and most likely...? Achieve nothing at all. 

Anyway, these are just my opinions. What do the rest of you think? Am I being too cynical? If NBAW does real good or has helped you then please, put me right! 

Thanks for reading.  


Wednesday 20 June 2012

Love your baby and your body, not your latest piece of kit


A recent discussion with friends about what to buy for baby threw out the interesting topic of breastfeeding tops. On the whole, we agreed that breastfeeding tops were unnecessary. However, while the others agreed this was because they are relatively expensive and you can create your own by wearing two layers of clothing, I believe they're just unnecessary, full stop. 

This is because I think that all this discussion about how to breastfeed discreetly is creating lots of negativity about breastfeeding in mothers' minds. The very fact that breastfeeding tops exist suggests to mothers that breastfeeding is something they might like to hide. Likewise the nursing covers you can get although, to be honest, they just draw attention to you.

I put it to you that no one notices a mother breastfeeding except for other breastfeeding mothers. This is based on the fact that I have spent five years of my life breastfeeding (not continuously, obviously!) and have fed my babies anywhere and everywhere. During that time, I received no comments whatsoever, except for a few mums coming up to me to say what a great thing they thought I was doing for my baby. And each time that happened, it made my day!

Breastfeeding in public doesn't mean flashing your nipples all over town centres and attracting loads of attention. It means feeding you baby whenever and wherever he needs it even if you're not in your home. Feeding on demand relies on you being confident about feeding anywhere and one of the ways we can nurture that confidence in other mothers is by feeding in public in whatever clothes we happen to be wearing and without a nursing cover. Seeing another mother breastfeeding her baby gives more confidence in breastfeeding than seeing a neck-to-knee flowery cover out of the corner of your eye or not being sure if a baby is feeding or not (and you daren't look!). 

We also need to be confident about our now-changed bodies and the sisterhood of breastfeeders can help us with that too. Stretch marks are wonderful natural tattoos that honour the most outstanding period of our lives. A mother showing them off, albeit inadvertently, while feeding her baby gives a great message to other mothers: "I support you. Our bodies have changed because they have created new life and now we are nurturing that new life with our milk. We are fabulous!" 

If you are self-conscious about breastfeeding in public (you really don't need to be but all feelings are valid) then try nursing while sitting in front a mirror. You can't see "anything," can you? If you still feel self-conscious, think about the strength and support you would be giving other mothers by feeding without a piece of kit to cover up what you're doing. If neither of these things strike a chord with you then yes, go out and buy a breastfeeding top or a nursing cover. Better to breastfeed with those than to give up demand feeding because you can't bear to do it in public. 

We are all wonderful mothers, whatever our approaches to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding tops and covers have been designed with the best of intentions but, unfortunately, they are also putting out a message that is undermining breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is normal and natural. It is not something that should be hidden away. Please bear that mind when you're shopping for baby things. 


Saturday 16 June 2012

Beautiful babywearing: a sling overview


Using slings, or babywearing, is brilliant. As well as being a very practical way of transporting your baby (you need never ask directions to the lift again!) and having your hands free, there are many other advantages you might not be aware of. Baby wearers often find their babies are happier and more settled as the contact with mummy increases the baby’s emotional confidence. This calmness in babies can help them gain weight as they’re not burning calories by being stressed and they fuss less during feeds. They are also able to learn more in this quiet, alert state.  In turn, mothers often find bonding easier and breastfeeding is often more successful as the contact between mother and baby reminds both what they’re there for!

I have three children and I’ve “worn” them all using a variety of different slings. Here’s an overview:

Wrap slings
These are very long pieces of fabric that wrap around you and the baby. They are the most comfortable slings to wear as the fabric can be spread out across your whole back, using all your back and shoulder muscles equally and not digging in. This makes them suitable for mums with bad backs too. Wrap slings are the most versatile because the baby can be worn on your front, back (even with a newborn) and hip, with options of keeping the baby’s feet inside or sticking out, and because they are just a length of fabric, they are infinitely adjustable.
Stretchy wrap slings are relatively easy to master as you can tie them round yourself before popping the baby in, but the downside is that the stretchy fabric doesn’t support a bigger baby as well and parents find the baby bounces up and down too much for comfort by about eight months.
Woven wrap slings, made from non-stretchy fabric, are easy to use when you know how. They are suitable for all babies and toddlers and have the biggest weight range of any sling. I bought one when my second child was ten weeks old and it’s probably my favourite sling as it’s the most comfy and, even now my youngest is ten months old, I can still fold it round her head for support if she falls asleep in it. It looks lovely, being aubergine cotton, and people come up to me in the street and ask me where I got it!

Soft structured carriers (SSCs)
These are not to be confused with “clip-on” carriers (the sort widely available on the high street) which do not offer effective support for the baby or comfort for the parent. Soft structured carriers consist of panels of fabric with shoulder and waist straps.  They can be used for front and back carries, some for hip carries as well. Some are unsuitable for a newborn but, of those, some can be modified with inserts and straps to accommodate a little baby.  On the other hand, the upper weight limit allows you to carry a pre-schooler (I can carry my four year old in ours), so you can pop an SSC in your bag and use it to carry your tired child at the end of a country walk, for example. Some SSCs have buckles, some have rings, some simply knot. My partner and I have found ones with buckles work very well for us: they are quick and easy which are important considerations as we have three children – try tying a sling while one child tries to tie your legs up with it and the other is making a premature start on the picnic...!

Ring slings
This is a sling worn on one shoulder with a large ring for adjusting it. A newborn can sleep flat in it and a toddler can ride on your hip in it, but they can also be used for front and back carries with feet in or out. They are, in my opinion, the easiest slings to breastfeed in, although theoretically all the slings I’m describing here can be used for breastfeeding.  The only downside is that the weight is distributed unevenly so you might find going out for a whole day with one quite trying. They are ideal for popping the baby into quickly so you can knock up a sandwich or for running out to the corner shop.

Pouch slings
These are also worn on one shoulder and the baby can go in all the positions described under “Ring slings” but, unlike all the other slings, they do not adjust. This means it is important to get the right size for each parent (you and your partner may need one each) but, on the other hand, this does make them the easiest slings to use.

Common questions
I’ve had a Caesarean  - can I use a sling?
Yes – you can carry the baby close to you but above your scar and you also won’t have to bend down to the baby because he or she will be right there in front of you.
My baby’s too heavy for a sling!
Sorry to disagree but your baby probably isn’t, nor is it that you aren’t strong enough. Many of us have the clip on carriers briefly described above which have poor weight distribution, meaning that we abandon them after just a few months. But do not be fooled! Try one of the slings described here and see if you get on better. Please. Just for me? 
Where can I get one from?
Google the headings in this article and lots of friendly sling websites will appear on your screen!
Finally, are slings safe?
Yes  - always remember to use common sense  and TICKS and no harm will come to you or your baby:
Tight  - for adequate support
In view at all times (this refers to baby’s face)
Close enough to kiss
Keep the baby’s chin off his/her  chest to ensure breathing isn’t restricted
Supported back so the baby can’t slump and restrict his/her airway.

Happy babywearing!